Detox
This month, I set out to write about detoxing, but looking at the last couple of weeks in my life what I truly want to write about is boundaries. Boundaries that keep us from each other, some in good ways, some in unhealthy manners. So how to gently merge those two topics? It’s actually not that hard when you come to think about it. Let’s look at it ethymologically: detoxing means getting rid of toxines. A toxine is a harmful substance, but you know what Paracelsus said: “ The dose makes the poison.“ So in the end, our desire to detox is nothing but the realization that we overstepped some sort of boundaries too many times. When we talk about detoxing, we typically think of freeing our bodies from waste products that we accumulated in our bowel due to an unbalanced diet and an unhealthy life-style. It usually also involves cutting back your consumption of anything that might be addictive such as caffeine, alcohol or sugar. I myself tried a three-week detox (Basenfasten) with my dear friend Judith last year and have to admit it was a mind-blowing experience. We seem to often underestimate the incredible importance of our digestive system and the brain-gut connection has been quite neglected in the Western hemisphere. Did you know that there are approximately 100 billion neurons in the human brain, yet our „gut contains 500 million neurons which are connected to your brain through nerves in your nervous system“? If not, you can learn more in this article. However, when I talk about detoxing, I also think of many other areas in my life where my energy tends to get drained: – Friendships that are no longer nurturing me. – Negative thoughts about myself, my body, my flaws. – Social media. – Stressing out about financial aspects of my life choices. – Seeing people who suffer and not being able to help. – Being needed by others and providing support without paying attention to my own needs. Especially the latter has been an issue in my life lately. It so happened that quite a few beloved people in my close circle have been facing very demanding situations – either physically, emotionally or economically. My mantra is family first, I tend to have a very high level of empathy and so my first instict is to provide any kind of support I can think of. I jump into the waters to resue anyone whose hand goes up. However, after a while I realized that I really felt exhausted, overwhelmed and sucked into each of their lives without finding a good way to shield myself when I didn’t have any energy left to share. I crossed my own bounderies – first without noticing, then seeingly – one too many times. All the times I have put someone else’s needs above mine without checking in with me first have piled up to a coal mine of petrified rage inside me – and it is time for me to take responsibility for it. So while you might be facing very different topics when it comes to detoxing, my current challenge is: How can I strike the right balance between showing empathy and not neglecting my own needs? My answer is – you guessed it: boundaries. In this specific case it consists of not running blindly at anyone’s rescue (partly because I would really love to help, partly because I love the feeling of being needed), but asking the other party: „What do you need?“ It is such a simple, yet powerful question. And more often than not we have a hard time answering it. Am I actually asking for help or am I just venting? Do I really want to get better or do I partly enjoy getting attention due to the situation I am facing? I am now working hard on making it a habit to first ask what the other person needs, then checking in with myself – knowing that I can also politely refuse if I don’t think I am in the position to provide the support the other party is asking for. Even if that might result in negative reactions including sadness, defiance or anger, because in the end you should not be asking a question if you cannot deal with an honest response. Here are some more ways I try to re-establish boundaries in my life, detoxing it from negative emotions I experienced when running my life on some sort of autopilot instead of weighing my choices: Social Media: Muting all notifications to not get interrupted or distracted during the day unless I want to. If it’s important, people need to call me. Not consuming social media after 8 pm (it messes with my sleep). Emails / Voice Messages: Not reading any emails/texts or listening to voice messages unless I feel I have the capacity to deal with the content right away (especially when I have a gut feeling that there might be some either depressing or otherwise challenging content coming my way). By the way, my sister and I sometimes even explicitely state it at the beginning of a message when we would like to receive feedback or when we are just blowing off some steam (since I had the tendency to provide advice no matter whether she asked for it or not). Social gatherings: Keeping at least two weekends free of any fixed appointments each month (or at least one day of each weekend), since I now know that as an introvert I am only recharging my batteries by myself or with my core family. This also involves not blindly agreeing to go to family gatherings, playdates, weekend get-aways or other sorts of invites unless I know that I really want to (or keeping the door open for a last-minute change of mind if the other person agrees to it). Closet detox: For any new item I buy (shoes, clothing etc), another one has to go. Nutrition: For quite some time I was first and foremost worried about what to cook for my husband and kids. Since a couple of months I started to prepare my own meals (mostly gluten-free and vegan) to no longer compromise my own needs and well-being even though this involves a little extra-effort in the kitchen. Worry-free space: Creating little „islands“ where certain topics are banned from (p.ex. no talking about chores or the kids in the shower). Boundaries – it sounds like excluding something or someone. But when you come to think about it, it is actually about including your entire self without constantly neglecting or ignoring parts of it. In the end it boils down to getting to know yourself, your safe space, your boundaries, and protecting them, so neither others nor yourself are going to overstep them. And if it still keeps happening, once you know what you truly want and need you will be able to start thinking about consequences and actions to take when your boundaries are not being respected. What things, habits or people do you need less from in order to regain a healthy balance? What would you like to detox from and do you have any tips to share with us? I wish you a wonderful month where you are able to let go of something that no longer serves you. All the best, Tanja This text appeared in my thought-letter Tanja’s Butterflies (May Edition 2021). In case you are interested in future editions, feel free to sign up here. |
